The Teletubbie Murders
by Max Mercury
Summary: The Teletubbies have been killed. Who did it?


Int. Studio – Daytime

The Teletubbies are taping in the studio when the lights go out. A silenced gunshot is heard and the lights come back on. Tinky-Winky is dead in a pool of blood from several gunshot wounds.

Director: CUT! Oh my GOD! Somebody get an ambulance in here now.

The ambulance comes in and the E.M.T's are trying to bring him back.

E.M.T.: I'm sorry everyone but Tinky-Winky's dead.

Everyone is in shock and disbelief.

Int. Meeting Room – Daytime

A day has past and the remaining Teletubbies are in the studio meeting with the executives.

Dipsy: There's no bloody way we're goin back in that studio! 

Po: Are you out of your mind? The might kill us too.

Executive: Not to worry, everything will be fine. The police have assured me that this will not happen again.

La-La: And how do you know?

Excecutive: Well since Tinky-Winky was thought to be the gay Teletubbie. The police think it was a gay hate group and that it's just an isolated incodent. But I assure you the rest of you are not in danger.

Po: You make sure you keep it that way.

Int. Studio – Daytime

The remaining three Teletubbies are taping in the studio when the lights go out. When the lights come back on Po is dead hanging from a noose.

Dipsy: Aw not this Shit again!

Dipsy and La-La run inside the control room.

Int. Meeting Room – Nighttime

Dipsy: You said we were going to be safe.

Executive: I thought you were I didn't know this was going to happen. Look everything's gonna be fine we've even brought Interpol in on the job. Here's Chief Sean Archer now.

Archer: Look guys the deaths of Tinky-Winky and Po we believe are linked to the same Gay hate group.

Dipsy: But Po wasn't gay.

Archer: Well he used to say Faggot Faggot. Probably enough to set these sickos off. But we are investigating the murders and we assure you that with Interpol on the job the both of you are safe.

La-La: Okay we'll be here tommorow to tape the live show.

Int. Studio – Daytime

Dipsy and La-La are in the studio taping the live show. They are singing and dancing like nothing is wrong. Soon the lights go out again and a shotgun rings out thorough the studio. When the lights come back on Dipsy is dead on the ground with the blood oozing out of the side of Dipsy's head from the huge shotgun wound.

La-La: I fucking quit! Look at this! It's completely out of hand!

The lights go out again. La-La is heard gasping for air, when the lights come back on La-La is found with a knife going thorough its throat.

Int. Studio – Nighttime

Interpol has been there for hours closing off and investigating the scene as Chief Archer arrives.

Archer: Detective, what's it look like.

Detective: Well sir, we've ripped up and turned over every possible thing in here we haven't found anything.

Another cop sees something and is calling Archer.

Cop: Chief, you might want to take a look at this!

Archer comes to where the cop is standing Archer waits for the cop to bag it then Archer picks up the bag for a closer look.

Archer: What is this?

Cop: It appears to be purple fur.

Archer: Tinky-Winky's?

Cop: No sir, see it's much too light.

Archer: Well take it to forensics. If it's who I think it is, we might've just solved this case.

Forensics Lab – Daytime

A week has past and Archer is in the lab getting the results from Dr. Chen.

Archer: Dr. Chen, what's going on?

Chen: Well we took the fur you found and ran it thorough the DNA scanners and then we tried to match it up with everyone in our database. It took a while but we found one. Take a look at the screen.

Archer looks at the screen.

Archer: Just like I thought. BARNEY! The Purple Dinosaur.

Int. Barney's Studio – Daytime

Barney is taping his show.

Barney: I love you. You love me. We're a happy famil-ahhhhh!

The cops come and grab him. They slam him against a tree.

Barney: What's the meaning of this?!

Archer: You're under arrest for the murder of the Teletubbies. You're goin downtown punk.

Barney: But I didn't do anything!

Archer: Sure ya didn't.

Barney: This is Bullshit Archer! You know it. I'll sue Interpol for this I'll have your badge for dinner you fuckin chump.

Int. Interrogation Room – Nighttime

Barney is under a hot light as Archer and Bostic are interrogating him. Barney is in the chair with his feet on the desk smoking a cigarette.

Bostic: Come on Barney. Let's go thorough this again shall we.

Barney takes a drag.

Barney: I told you. I wasn't anywhere near the Teletubbie's studio, I was filming my own show.

Archer: So why is it that we found traces of your fur on the set Mr. Innocent? Huh.

Barney: I don't know. Aren't my tax dollars going to pay you dip shits to figure that out.

Archer jumps on the table and puts a gun to his head.

Archer: Listen smart ass! I don't have time for this! You've got a good enough motive, your ratings went down ever since the Teletubbies went on the air, and we've got DNA evidence. So you either cooperate and go to jail for life or you make this hard and get the chair. What's it gonna be punk?!

Barney: First of all you never read me my rights and second of all I've got a fleet of witnesses that put me where I said I was. 

Barney takes a slow drag on his cigarette

Barney: So are you gonna charge me with anything or should my lawyer file a suit of wrongful arrest and Illegal entrapment.

Bostic (Whispering to Archer): We can't hold him for too much longer anyway he's got an allabi.

Archer: Fine, you can go. But don't leave town.

Barney takes his last puff and puts out his cigarette.

Barney: Wouldn't dream of it.

He grabs his coat and walks out.

Int. Barney's Studio – Nighttime

Barney goes in the cupboard and gets a case out. He pulls out a 9mm gun out of the case and begins to clean and load it. Baby Bop comes don the stairs.

Baby Bop: Barney! Why do you have that? Where were you last night? What the hell's going on?!

Barney: The cops had me last night, they think I murdered the Teletubbies.

Baby Bop: That's ridiculous.

Barney: I know. Somebody wants to frame me and send me away for a long time. And I wanna know why.

Barney loads his gun and puts some extra clips in his pockets.

Baby Bop: Be careful.

Barney: I will.

Ext. The Docs – Nighttime

Barney is walking on the docs looking for leads as e runs into Tony Two Toes.

Barney: Tony, so good to see you.

Tony: What the hell are you doing here, I haven't seen you since I left the show.

Barney: Well just comin to see my favorite Barney kid turned Gang Lord.

Tony: I'm touched. What do you want?

Barney: Listen. I need to know a little more about who did the Teleubbies.

Tony: I ain't tellin nothin.

Barney pulls out his gun a puts it to Tony's head.

Barney: Listen you little bitch. You're gonna tell me who did it and where they are or I'm gonn blow your head off understand!

Tony: Well the gang that wiped 'em out is in the Warehouse right across the way.

Barney: Sure.

Tony: I swear to God man don't kill me man!

Barney: Thanks a lot man.

Int. Warehouse – Nighttime

Barney comes into the Dark Warehouse as the lights come on Bert, Ernie, Elmo, and Big Bird are standing at the other end.

Barney: I should've known. Of course it would be you.

Bert: You're right. Our boss and us wanted the Teletubbies out of the way so we bumped 'em off and we figured if you took the blame we could kill two birds with one stone.

Barney: We've all coexisted for so long. Why this, why now?

Big Bird: Why not? The revenue from our shows combined is about 15 billion dollars. If we're the only game in town.

Ernie: We make all that money.

Elmo: And Elmo loves money!

Barney: You'll never get away with this.

Big Bird: I'm afraid we already have.

Barney takes out his gun.

Barney: DIE YOU BASTARDS!

Barney opens fire The others fire back. Elmo rolls and shoots Barney in the leg. 

Barney: Son of a bitch!

Bert pulls out his cell phone.

Bert: Chief Archer we have Barney down here at the docs, he says he killed the Teletubbies!

Int. Warehouse – Nighttime - Hours Later

Hours have passed and Barney now is in the patty wagon shouting obscenities as Archer is congratulating Big Bird and the others.

Archer: Thank you. You Sesame Street people are always doing good deeds. Barney's gonna go to jail for a long time.

Ernie: Great.

Bert: That's excatly what we wanted to hear.

Elmo: Elmo love you.

Archer picks Elmo up and hugs him.

Archer: Thanks again. Let's move out.

Int. Boss Office - Daytime

Big Bird walks into the Boss' office, the evil mastermind behind the whole operation.

Big Bird: Boss.

Boss: Yes.

Big Bird: It's done.

The chair swings around revealing the Boss as Mister Rogers.

Boss: Excellent neighbor. We're the only game in town again. Isn't it a beautiful day.


End file.
